It was
Christmas Day. I sat alone in a small apartment in a dismal industrial
suburb of Berlin, Germany. Motionless, I stared at her exposed wrist, consumed
by the desire to end my life. Giving way to emotional pain blurred the clarity
of my perception, causing me to believe, "there is no hope," and
"it will never get better."
Only 2-1/2
years earlier, my life had been transformed when I had committed my life to
Christ. Immediately, the joy of a soul set free was tainted by the reaction of
my step-father as he revealed his hatred for God. He let out a seemingly endless
salvo of curses at any mention of God. Finally, I decided to leave this
verbally abusive situation by flying to Australia.
I hoped for
a new start, living with my father and his wife, but those dreams were short-lived,
as my faith in Christ was ridiculed on our first night together. Within 10 days
my stepmother expressed, "I wish you were dead!" and my dad drove me
to the nearest village, demanding, "Where shall I drop you off?" He
then resisted contact for the next 15 years.
Turning to
the church for help, I found refuge in the home of a local elder. In him I experienced
the father-figure I had always longed for. Mistaking this for a romantic
relationship, my host mother revealed her antagonism toward me,
saying, "I wish you had never been born!" and insisted that her
husband send me away.
Broken and
humiliated by my perceived failure, I returned to Berlin, thinking that I might
be received back into my stepfather's home. When he offered to pay for a
one-way ticket back to Australia, expressing his desire to never see me
again, an acquaintance offered me the use of his one-room
apartment for the duration of his three-month business trip.
So there I
sat, abandoned and depressed, mulling over the hurtful words which cut into my
being so deeply, that the destructive thought of literally, physically cutting
myself to end all pain seemed like a soothing promise. "No one wants me to
live" became the demonic mantra in my head until suddenly a different
voice broke through the darkness: "Even if no one else wants you to live,
I do. I have made you, My plans for you are to prosper, and I will never
forget you."
God, who had
pierced the darkness of the world by sending his son 2000 years before, pierced
the darkness of my own life that Christmas. Just like after my conversion, life
did not immediately get easier. Two weeks later, when the apartment was re-claimed
by its owner, I checked myself into an orphanage so that I would have the
financial support to graduate from high school. But even though my
circumstances were far from easy, God's truth instantly changed everything. No
matter what lay ahead, I knew He was with me and I was not alone. Suddenly,
nothing else mattered.
· What situations make you feel alone?
· Read the following Bible verses and
describe how this truth helps form a new outlook. Psalm 68:5-6a, Psalm 27:10
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